Islamic Guidance on Marital Intimacy and Family Life
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*NOT HAVING INTERCOURSE DURING MENSTRUATION (HAIZ) AND POST-CHILDBIRTH BLEEDING (NIFAS)*
The Creator of the world has placed within men and women the desire to find comfort, companionship, and pleasure in one another. To fulfill this desire in a lawful manner, Islamic Shari'ah has prescribed marriage (Nikah). For this reason, Nikah is a very important Sunnah of the Noble Prophet ﷺ. Through it, a person is protected from the grave sin of adultery (Zina). This is also why marriage has been described as half of faith.
Marriage not only protects a person from unlawful acts, but also brings many benefits such as physical well-being, mental peace, love, mutual sympathy, trust, and confidentiality between spouses.
After Nikah and the bride's arrival at her husband's home, when a husband and wife are alone together, the desire for intimacy often becomes very strong in the husband. At times, some men become impatient and approach their wives without consideration. Many times, the wife may be in a state of menstruation, causing her considerable discomfort, and she may even object. However, due to ignorance of Divine commandments and lack of awareness of the harms involved, some men disregard their wives' refusal and engage in intercourse.
The Holy Qur’an has clearly prohibited intercourse during menstruation and declared it unlawful:
"Keep away from women during menstruation." (Surah Al-Baqarah)
Regarding this command, modern doctors have explained that menstrual blood contains harmful substances, and if such matter remains within the body, it can be detrimental to health. Thus, the wisdom behind avoiding intercourse during menstruation has become evident.
During menstruation, a woman's private organs are often sensitive due to the accumulation and discharge of blood, causing discomfort. Therefore, sexual relations during this period may be harmful and can sometimes interfere with the natural menstrual process. It may also lead to complications such as irritation and burning sensations.
May we be devoted to the Muhammadan Shari'ah ﷺ, which has protected us through Divine commandments from such harmful acts that can lead to various illnesses affecting both spouses and whose consequences may persist throughout life.
Some jurists have prescribed expiation (Kaffarah) based on Hadith for violating this ruling. If a person commits the sin of intercourse during menstruation due to overpowering desire, he should give one Dinar or half a Dinar as expiation. (Ashab-us-Sunan and Tabarani)
According to Imam Abu Hanifah, Imam Malik, and Imam Shafi'i (رحمهم الله), expiation is not obligatory, although sincere repentance and seeking forgiveness are required. Imam Ahmad (رحمه الله) held that expiation should be paid, and if one Dinar cannot be afforded, then half a Dinar should be given.
*PERMISSION TO LIE WITH ONE'S WIFE DURING MENSTRUATION*
The laws of Islam are natural and humane, through which society prospers and life does not become burdensome. In some religions, a woman during menstruation is considered so impure that even eating food prepared by her, drinking water touched by her, or lying beside her is regarded as undesirable. However, in the Muhammadan Shari'ah ﷺ, apart from sexual intercourse, it is permissible to benefit from the rest of the wife's body. There is complete freedom in lying beside her and showing affection (such as kissing), but the area between the navel and the knees should not be uncovered. Eating, drinking, and lying together are also not prohibited.
*WHEN MAY INTERCOURSE TAKE PLACE AFTER MENSTRUATION?*
When the menstrual bleeding stops and the woman washes her private parts, performs Wudu, or takes a Ghusl, then intercourse becomes permissible with her. This is because the word "purification" mentioned in the Holy Qur’an applies to all three of these situations. (Ashab-us-Sunan and Tabarani)
There is a difference of opinion among the four Imams regarding this matter. According to Imam Malik, Imam Shafi'i, and Imam Ahmad (رحمهم الله), intercourse is not permissible until the woman performs Ghusl or, due to a valid excuse, performs Tayammum in place of Ghusl.
According to Imam Abu Hanifah (رحمه الله), the minimum duration of menstruation is three days and the maximum is ten days. If the bleeding stops before ten days, intercourse becomes permissible only after the woman performs Ghusl or after the time of one obligatory prayer has passed. If the bleeding stops after the full ten days, intercourse is permissible even before Ghusl. However, it remains recommended that intercourse take place only after the woman has performed Ghusl, because women generally discontinue bathing during menstruation. Therefore, sound reasoning also suggests waiting until after Ghusl so that no unpleasant odor may be noticed during affection and closeness.
*DO NOT ACT AGAINST NATURAL DISPOSITION*
Just as intercourse with one's wife during menstruation is unlawful, similarly inserting the private organ into the wife's anus is also unlawful. The Noble Prophet ﷺ clearly forbade this evil act.
A lengthy narration from Hazrat Khuzaimah bin Thabit (RA) reports that the Prophet ﷺ said:
"Do not have intercourse with women in their back passage."
Whoever has intercourse with his wife in her back passage, Allah Almighty will not look upon him with mercy. Those who engage in intercourse with their wives in this manner are cursed (deprived of Allah's mercy). (Abu Dawud)
Imam Ghazali (رحمه الله) wrote in Ihya Ulum al-Din that engaging in intercourse through the back passage is not permissible. In fact, its prohibition is even more severe than intercourse during menstruation because it causes continual harm and suffering to the woman.
*PROHIBITION OF MASTURBATION*
In Umdatul Ahkam (name of the book), a narration from Hazrat Jabir (RA) mentions that the Prophet ﷺ said that there is blessing and healing in eating together. He also stated that very evil are those who eat alone, beat their slave girls, withhold their generosity, and marry their own hands (i.e., practice masturbation).
One day, after everyone had left the gathering of Hazrat Ibn Abbas (RA), a young man remained seated. Hazrat Ibn Abbas (RA) asked him whether he had some matter to discuss. The young man replied that he wished to ask a question, but previously the presence of others caused him embarrassment, and now the respect and awe he felt prevented him from speaking.
Hazrat Ibn Abbas (RA) replied that the position of a scholar is like that of a father, and whatever one can tell one's father may also be told to him.
The young man said:
"I am young and unmarried. I often satisfy my desire with my hand. Is there any sin in this?"
Hazrat Ibn Abbas (RA) turned his face away from him and said:
"Shame! Shame! It is better for you to marry a slave girl than to engage in this act."
(In those days, marrying a slave girl was generally considered undesirable.)
From this it is understood that masturbation is an extremely disgraceful act.
] RULINGS WHEN THE BRIDE ARRIVES AT HER NEW HOME
After Nikah and the bride's arrival at her husband's home, the husband should hold her hand and recite the following supplication. Some books mention that he may place his hand upon her forehead and recite:
اللهم إني أسألك خيرها وخير ما جبلتها عليه وأعوذ بك من شرها وشر ما جبلتها عليه
Allahumma inni as’aluka khairaha wa khaira ma jabaltaha ‘alaihi, wa a‘udhu bika min sharriha wa sharri ma jabaltaha ‘alaihi.
Translation:"O Allah, I ask You for her goodness and the goodness of the qualities upon which You created her, and I seek refuge in You from her evil and the evil of the qualities upon which You created her."
The blessing of this supplication is that Allah Ta'ala removes evil from the woman and spreads goodness through her in the household.
ETIQUETTES OF THE WEDDING NIGHT (INTIMACY)
When privacy is attained and mutual desire increases, one should begin intimacy by saying “Bismillah” and reciting Surah Al-Ikhlas three times after A‘udhu Billahi Minash-Shaitanir-Rajim and Bismillah. Then the following supplication should be recited:
بسم الله اللهم جنبنا الشيطان وجنب الشيطان ما رزقتنا
Bismillahi Allahumma jannibnash-shaitana wa jannibish-shaitana ma razaqtana.
Translation:"In the Name of Allah. O Allah, keep Satan away from us and keep Satan away from whatever offspring You grant us."
Then, when ejaculation is about to occur, one should recite silently:
اللهم لا تجعل للشيطان فيما رزقتني نصيبا
Allahumma la taj‘al lish-shaitani fima razaqtani naseeba.
Translation:"O Allah, do not give Satan any share in the child You grant me."
It is mentioned in Hadith that if a child is decreed from this intercourse, Satan will not be able to harm that child.
Shaikh Abdul Haqq (RA) stated that this indicates that if these supplications are neglected during intercourse, Satan gains involvement, which may become a cause of corruption and wrongdoing in the offspring. (Rifah-ul-Muslimeen)
During intimacy, the husband and wife should not remain completely naked like animals. It is mentioned that complete nakedness during intercourse may lead to shamelessness in children. The Prophet ﷺ would cover himself and his wife from head to toe with a sheet or cloth and would speak softly. He would also advise his wife to maintain dignity and composure.
The Prophet ﷺ further instructed that a man should not pounce upon his wife like an animal. Rather, he should first prepare her through affection, kissing, and gentle conversation. When the husband reaches climax, he should not withdraw immediately, but remain for some time so that the wife may also fulfill her needs, because some women reach climax later than men.
After completion, both husband and wife should clean their private parts separately with separate cloths before parting.
THE NATURAL METHOD OF INTERCOURSE
The natural method of intercourse is that the woman lies beneath and the man remains above. All animals follow this natural manner, and the Holy Qur’an also alludes to this method in a subtle way.
Translation:"When he covered her, she conceived a light burden." (Surah Al-A‘raf: 189)
This description indicates a situation in which the woman lies on her back and the man lies above her, thereby covering her body with his own.
This method provides greater comfort and ease. The woman does not have to bear excessive strain, and it is also considered beneficial for conception.
The famous physician Ibn Sina (Avicenna) also preferred this method in his medical work Al-Qanun fi al-Tibb (The Canon of Medicine).
According to him, the least desirable form of intercourse is when the woman is above and the man lies beneath, because in that case semen may remain within the male organ and become corrupted, which could become a cause of illness.
WHAT SHOULD BE DONE AFTER INTERCOURSE?
The author of Shari'atul Islam (name of the book) wrote that after intercourse, both the husband and wife should urinate. Otherwise, they may become afflicted with a disease that is difficult to cure.
Medical books mention that sometimes a drop of semen may remain in the urinary passage, which can cause burning and sores.
WASHING THE PRIVATE ORGAN AFTER INTERCOURSE IS NECESSARY
Faqeeh Abul Lais Samarqandi (RA) wrote that after intercourse one should wash the private organ. This helps maintain good health.
However, it should not be washed immediately with cold water, because there is a risk of fever. One should wait until the body's heat has subsided.
Hazrat Ali (RA) is reported to have said that a person should urinate after intercourse; otherwise, it may become a cause of illness. The male organ should then be washed with lukewarm water, as this is beneficial for health. If warm water is unavailable, there is no harm in washing after a short delay.
PROHIBITION OF DISCLOSING PRIVATE MARITAL MATTERS
It is common for some brides to tell their friends, and some grooms to tell their companions, about the details of their first night together.
However, the Prophet ﷺ regarded it as improper to disclose the private matters of husband and wife to friends and acquaintances.
Such behavior is considered shameless and ignorant.
DO NOT HAVE INTERCOURSE WITHOUT GHUSL
Some experienced people have said that if a person experiences a nocturnal emission (wet dream), he should not have intercourse with his wife before performing Ghusl. Otherwise, there is a fear that a child may be born mentally unstable or miserly.
Likewise, if a husband and wife wish to have intercourse again immediately after having already done so once, it is preferable that they perform Ghusl before engaging again.
The Prophet ﷺ taught his Companions (RA):
"If one of you has intercourse with his wife and then wishes to repeat it, he should perform Wudu in between." (Muslim and Abu Dawud)
The author of Ihya (Imam Ghazali) wrote that if a person wishes to have intercourse again after intercourse or after a nocturnal emission, he should first wash the private organ or urinate. He should not engage in intercourse again without doing one of these two actions.
DO NOT DRINK WATER IMMEDIATELY AFTER INTERCOURSE
According to the research of physicians, water should not be consumed immediately after intercourse.
It is said that doing so may contribute to respiratory ailments. For this reason, intercourse while the stomach is completely full has also been discouraged, because when the stomach is full, the heat generated by intercourse may cause dryness and excessive thirst.
DISAPPROVAL OF INTERCOURSE WHILE STANDING
In Tibb-e-Nabawi ﷺ, quoting the author of Qinyah, it is mentioned that standing during intercourse weakens the body.
It is also stated that intercourse should not take place when the stomach is full, as this may result in children who are weak in intellect.
Some books of Unani medicine mention that standing during intercourse may lead to trembling disorders of the hands and feet.
DISAPPROVAL OF LOOKING AT THE PRIVATE PARTS DURING INTERCOURSE
A certain scholar wrote in his book that a man should not look at his wife's private parts during intercourse, because there is a fear that a child may be born blind.
From the legal point of view, looking at the private parts is permissible, and husband and wife may look at every part of each other's bodies. However, some scholars have written that excessive looking at the private parts may weaken the eyesight.
DO NOT ENGAGE IN EXCESSIVE TALK DURING INTERCOURSE
Faqeeh Abul Lais (a distinguished scholar) wrote in his book Bustan that excessive talking should be avoided during intercourse.
It is mentioned that there is a fear that a child may be born mute if excessive conversation takes place during intimacy.
DO NOT HAVE INTERCOURSE WHEN THE WIFE IS SUFFERING FROM EYE PAIN
In Jami' Kabeer (name of the book), a narration from Hazrat Umm Salamah (RA) mentions that whenever one of the wives of the Prophet ﷺ suffered from eye pain, the Messenger of Allah ﷺ would not approach her for intimacy until she recovered.
Note: This Hadith indicates that if a wife is suffering from pain or illness, it is not appropriate to engage in intercourse without considering her health and willingness. Wisdom also dictates avoiding intimacy during illness, because mutual desire and comfort are essential for the enjoyment of marital relations.
THE BEST TIME FOR INTERCOURSE
Faqeeh Abu al-Lais (RA) wrote in his book Bustan that the best time for intercourse is the latter part of the night, because during the earlier part of the night the stomach is usually full from eating.
Hazrat Aisha (RA) is quoted by Imam Ghazali (RA) in Ihya Ulum al-Din as saying that after the Prophet ﷺ performed Witr in the last part of the night, if he desired intimacy with his wives he would approach them; otherwise, he would lie down on his prayer place until Hazrat Bilal (RA) informed him of the time for prayer.
Tibb-e-Nabawi also mentions avoiding intercourse on a full stomach, since the stomach is generally full during the earlier part of the night.
Advice of a Physician:
If a person's desire becomes so strong that he cannot wait until late at night or midnight, he should eat only a light meal after Maghrib and avoid filling his stomach completely, so that when he engages in intimacy after Isha, his stomach is not excessively full.
Benefit:
All of these are medical recommendations. From the perspective of Shari'ah, intercourse is permissible at any time. It is also established that the Prophet ﷺ engaged in marital relations during the earlier parts of the night and at various times during the day. (Shamail Tirmidhi)
SOME BRIEF ETIQUETTES OF INTERCOURSE
- The husband and wife should be in a state of purity and preferably with Wudu.
- It is recommended to begin with Bismillah. If forgotten at the beginning, it may be recited later.
- Applying fragrance before intimacy is also established from the practice of the Prophet ﷺ.
- Any unpleasant odor, whether caused by uncleanliness, tobacco, or smoking, diminishes desire and turns attraction into aversion.
- One should not face the Qiblah during intercourse.
- One should not remain completely naked during intercourse.
- The husband should not separate from his wife immediately after ejaculation, but should remain until the wife is also satisfied.
- When ejaculation approaches, one should recite the prescribed supplication. If a child is conceived from that intercourse, Satan will not harm that child, as mentioned in the narration.
WHAT SHOULD BE THE INTENTION DURING INTERCOURSE?
Hazrat Ali (RA) wrote in Wasaya that whenever a person intends to engage in marital relations, he should make the intention that he will protect himself from Zina (fulfilling desire with a non-mahram woman), that his heart will be safeguarded from wandering towards unlawful thoughts, and that Allah may grant him righteous offspring.
With such an intention, a person is rewarded for marital relations.
Engaging in intimacy with one's wife after seeing a non-mahram woman is a means of purifying the heart.
Imam Ghazali (RA) wrote in his book that Hazrat Junaid Baghdadi (RA) used to say:
"My need for intercourse is similar to my need for food. In reality, a wife is a source of nourishment and a means of purification for the heart."
For this reason, when a person's gaze falls upon a non-mahram woman and his desires become inclined toward her, the Prophet ﷺ instructed him to go to his wife and fulfill his needs with her. This is because marital relations remove the whispers and temptations of the heart.
The Prophet ﷺ also said that when a woman comes before a man, Satan presents her in an attractive manner. Therefore, when one of you sees a woman and is attracted to her, he should go to his wife, for she possesses the same lawful means of fulfilling desire that the other woman possesses
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